Emotional Prison
Before CoDA, I
lived in a kind of emotional lockdown. I isolated and withdrew from others —
not because I didn’t care, but because I didn’t feel safe. I thought I had to
protect myself from being hurt, rejected, or judged. What I didn’t see then was
that I was building walls, not boundaries. I was keeping myself in, not keeping
others out.
I also struggled
with self-sabotage. I would set goals, make plans, and then undermine myself —
either by procrastinating, doubting myself, or giving up before I even tried.
Deep down, I didn’t believe I deserved good things, and I was terrified of
failing… or even succeeding.
On top of that,
I carried a strong victim mentality. I constantly felt like life was happening
to me. I would replay past wounds, blaming others or my circumstances for my
pain, without realizing I was handing away my power every time I did that.
CoDA gave me a
new lens. Through listening to others share their truth, working the steps, and
showing up — even when I didn’t feel like it — I began to see how these
patterns were rooted in fear, shame, and unresolved trauma. I wasn’t broken — I
was surviving the best way I knew how.
Recovery is
helping me take emotional risks — reaching out when I want to isolate, being
honest when I’d rather shut down, and allowing myself to be seen and supported.
I’m learning to show up for myself, not just others. I still have days when I
slip into old patterns, but now I have tools, awareness, and a fellowship that
reminds me I’m not alone.
Today, I know
the emotional prison I was in isn’t permanent. The door was never locked — I
just didn’t know how to walk through it. Recovery is helping me find the key —
one share, one step, one day at a time.
Desiree B.
08.28.2025
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