I offer this experience of mine because I believe caregivers for Alzheimer's patients especially would find powerful support within the program of Codependents Anonymous (CoDA). There are both face-to-face, phone and online meetings listed at coda.org.
I provide my story as evidence for what has enabled me to do my part--which was the major part--in caring for my sister Mary Lou. I could not have done it without my awareness of how to practice self-care and how to recognize and deal with failures of self-care by others. I learned this by having long attended CoDA meetings where denial patterns, low self-esteem patterns, compliance patterns, control patterns and avoidance patterns are explicitly addressed. And because advice-giving and especially correction or criticism does not take place, I was free to find my own way of dealing with my patterns in the circumstances of the times.
Mary Lou was diagnosed with Alzheimers in about 2010 and I became her primary caregiver with the help of my wife and Mary Lou's very good friend and eventually a next-door neighbor. We were able to maintain her in her own apartment till last spring when we all realized we could no longer manage. We moved her into a very good memory unit where, by comparing Mary Lou to other residents, we could see we had carried her along well beyond what other caregivers had done.
And moving her there was possible only with ongoing financial contributions from about eight other members of my family, none of whom live nearby. The facility charges about $7000 a month but says openly they will not discharge anyone who has paid this cost for at least three years and this is the basis that the family is operating on. So my sister is set for life. I am sure I could not have arranged that help from my family without my years in CoDA.
John R – 3/27/18
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