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{Editor’s Note: as the title suggests, while this article is mindful, be aware that steamy and adult language lies ahead!}
“The most precious gift we can offer anyone is our attention. When mindfulness embraces those we love, they will bloom like flowers.” ~ Thich Nhat Hanh, Living Buddha, Living Christ
I was lying on my back on a yoga mat, fully clothed above the waist, nude below, legs butterflied with my knees propped on pillows so my practice partner (who was fully clothed) had an easy view to down there.
Let’s stop right here. It’s likely that just reading those words has already stirred something in you, yes?
Take a breath. Let your attention follow that breath, searching for a sensation somewhere in your body.
Where is there a tightness? Holding? Bracing?
Where is there a tingle? Buzzing? Pulsing?
If following your breath leaves you thinking, “Yeah, right. I don’t feel anything” or “Well I feel my breath, but. . . is that what you mean?” then this post is about to be your new best friend.
Keep reading.
Because, noticing sensation aside, simply placing attention inside the breath while searching for a sensation, your blood pressure drops, mind-volume turns down, and internal alarm bells quiet.
Miraculous, yes?
So there I was, in a class where I was learning how to quiet mind-chatter and focus laser-attention on sexual body parts and sexual sensations.
The first way we practiced focusing our attention was with noticing and describing.
My practice partner, a man who is not a romantic partner, was seated beside me, about to describe to me what he saw in value-neutral terms.
Just the facts, ma’am:
“Your left inner labia is a ruffly shape, leaning slightly to the left at the bottom. It has a coral pink color, with darker purple-brown edges. The outer labia are a consistent beige color.”
It was all I could do not to leap up and run.
My heart pounded so hard I was sure the teacher across the room could hear it.
“Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, a man is looking at my pussy. He’s talking about it. He’s still looking. I’m going to die. He’s still there. I’m going to die. My heart is going to pound straight out of my chest and I’ll die right here.”
That was the effect, that very first time, of plain attention focused on my private parts.
But after only a few more practices (with more steps, all about focusing mindful attention) things changed dramatically.
What’s going on here? Why does it matter?
Statistics are staggering (especially for women) about low libido, self-consciousness, and overall dissatisfaction with sex and their bodies.
For example, depending on the study and how the question is asked, anywhere from 40 to 95% (!) of women say they don’t reach climax during partnered encounters.
And don’t get me started on how porn has become a de facto sex education, leaving men copying what they’ve seen, and women thinking they’re broken because they don’t like it that way.
At TED 2009, speaker Cindy Gallop stirred a phenomenon with her bold words, “When I have sex with younger men, I encounter very directly and personally the real ramifications of the creeping ubiquity of hardcore pornography in our culture…There is an entire generation growing up that believes that what you see in hardcore pornography is the way that you have sex.”
That talk launched her now popular Make Love Not Porn platform, which she describes as, “#RealWorldSex in all its glorious, silly, beautiful, messy, reassuring humanness.”
Several years after I was in that sexuality class, I heard about Dr. Lori Brotto (professor, researcher, and psychologist in the UBC Department of Obstetrics and Gynaecology, Vancouver) and her colleagues, who have been studying, writing, and teaching about the ways that mindful attention can make all.the.difference. when it comes to arousal, pleasure, orgasm, and overall satisfaction, especially for women.
In a five-year randomized controlled study, Dr. Brotto compared a mindfulness sex therapy approach to a more typical model. She had two groups following equivalent programs, with the only difference being that one group also had mindfulness elements.
After the 8-week program, those who also practiced mindfulness had more intense sexual feelings and more desire, while mental distractions dropped away. They had reduced distress and rumination, and more relationship satisfaction, even for up to a year after the end of the program.
According to Brotto what they’ve discovered is that, “Attention is very important both for the initial response to a sexual trigger and for ongoing sexual arousal.”
So there I was a week or so after the class, lying on my back on a yoga mat, clothed above the waist, nude below, knees on pillows, a man who is not a romantic partner was seated beside me about to describe to me what he saw in value-neutral terms:
“Your hood is a beige color, the inner labia are pressed together at the center, there’s a tuft of hair curling to the right at the top.”
This time, after having done this a few times, I had my full attention riveted, pinned onto the sensation in my body at the point of attention.
Like in any meditation, my mind wandered off.
“Does he see that I didn’t shave my legs?”
And like with any meditation, I caught the mind wandering, and gently brought it back to the point of attention—my vulva—by asking silently to myself, in the same way that our teacher had done, “What sensation do I feel there, right now?”
“Back to pussy, okay, find a sensation, okay. What do I feel?”
Right then and there, stubbly legs and all, there was a slight warm flush that ran from below my vulva a bit downward and outward across my bum.
I nearly leapt up, this time in glee and delight, “I felt something, I felt something, I felt something!” I shout-giggled inside my head while still lying silently there on my back.
Because this was the very first time I felt the thing that the teachers had been telling us: that plain, focused attention—no touching, no stroking, no candles, music, lacy lingerie, just plain, focused attention—can be one of the most powerful, most potent turn-ons we’ve ever known.
It turns out that our sexual anatomy (especially a woman’s) responds to attention (just attention, mind you, without a single touch) in exactly the way Thich Nhat Hahn describes in his quote, above: it blooms like a flower.
Of course this type of mindful attention is just the beginning. It’s an astonishingly powerful one though.
After a bit of practice with plain non-judgemental noticing, we moved on to more advanced forms of focusing attention, and then added on specific mindful ways to stroke, communicate, and much more.
One way to start, is to begin with teeny, non-sexual practices.
In the mindfulness training developed by Dr. Brotto, participants follow simple awareness methods, which awaken and magnify all sensations. And guess what? “All sensations” means they include the sexy ones!
By turning attention to non-sexual body sensations, we begin to tune our mind’s and body’s ability to feel more, including to feel more in our steamy parts, too.
For example, next time you wash your hair, instead of mentally scrolling through the calls and emails you forgot to finish yesterday, turn your full attention to your fingers and scalp. You’re not looking for “sexy” feelings, you’re focused on whatever sensation is there, with no judgement—not good or bad, not pleasant or unpleasant—just the plain facts of what is there.
What shape is the hairline at the back?
I notice that in the middle the hairline dips upward, and then a little left and right of center, the line drops down an inch or so, in an upside down V shape.
How does the space between your ear and hairline feel compared to the nape of your neck?
Above my left ear, the skull bone has a small indent. At the nape of my neck there is an inward indent at the base of my skull.
How would you describe the texture of the hair as you run it through your fingers?
The strands feel smooth and slippery. I can feel denser growth near the top, and thinner growth at the back.
Start with daily activities like this—ones that you already do, like brushing your teeth, sipping tea, or washing your hair. Choose one or two, commit to five days of daily focused attention, then watch what happens.
I dare you to not start noticing more sizzle in your next sexual situation (with or without a partner)!
~
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