In my humble opinion there are 7 things never to say to a narcissist.
They are disastrous if you do!
Narcissists are not normal people. When I say normal, I mean someone who wants to hear you, validate you and care about you.
With a narcissist, it is the complete opposite. It is all about “them”; it is not about “you” or “us”. You are not an equal in the narcissist’s eyes, because that would diminish the narcissistic egoic need for “more” and “superiority” – meaning power OVER others.
You are merely an object to mine, manipulate and exploit to feed the narcissist’s False self that insatiably requires “more” to try to exist.
Before understanding this, it is a shock to discover that narcissists get bent out of shape incredibly easily. They get upset about things that normal people just don’t get triggered by.
It is also a horrifying surprise to understand that what “normally” may work with people, regarding conversations and so-called understandings, just doesn’t work with a narcissist. It backfires. It leads you into even more struggle, traumatic episodes and devastating losses.
Today I want to take you on this little journey through the 7 things never to say to a narcissist.
Number 1: “I accept your apology.”
A narcissist will hound you into the ground to accept their apology. Often this apology comes far too late (and possibly only because you are leaving), or is defensively stated such as “I told you I am sorry!” (when it wasn’t even delivered in a genuine way).
You know this because it doesn’t feel real to you in your body!
By agreeing to accept the narcissist’s apology – without seeing genuine atonement and reform, or having time apart to see if this person is genuinely stepping up – then you are signing up for the same again.
You have just let the narcissist know that mere words get reconnection. He or she now has the green light to reoffend again and again.
The Truth
No-one reforms unless they can humbly own that what they did was wrong, be genuinely remorseful for it, state how they will behave differently and healthily and follow through with real, consistent, self-responsible action.
Narcissists do not EVER walk this path of genuine self-responsibility, growth and reform. Please understand agreeing to anything less is re-abusing ourselves.
Number 2: “You are a narcissist.”
Narcissists are masters at projection – spinning facts to assert you are everything you are accusing them of being.
Many a person in this community has confronted a narcissist with this statement, complete with bullet points that confirm this. I did this too!
Why do we do this? We hope that this person can wake up to themselves and heal from narcissism, or admit that this is why they behave the way they do, or have some compassion and understanding regarding what they put us through.
The very definition of narcissism is “I will not take any responsibility for the way I behave and the things that I do – YOU make me do it!” Therefore, the narcissist will spin it all back, flatly deny everything, and tell you how narcissistic you are.
Because you are already gaslit and traumatised by this person, you either start wondering whether you are in fact narcissistic, or traumatise yourself even more by trying to make them realise it really IS them!
The Truth
Trying to get someone to wake up or change to give you your own peace, sanity and soul-truths never works. It only means you keep handing your power away by trying to force them to “give you yourself”.
It doesn’t matter whether or not this person is a narcissist and whether or not they ever own it.
What does matter is you healing enough to decide you will ONLY live a life with people who have the desire and the capacity to be in Unity Consciousness with you (acting with integrity, care, teamwork, cooperation and the ability to work on their own inner being) so that you no longer continue to live in co-dependent toxic power struggles.
Number 3: “You don’t love me or care about me.”
It’s true; the narcissist doesn’t love you or care about you. You are an object to siphon life-force, attention, sexual energy, money, contacts, and significance out of. The narcissist does not see you as a being with feelings. They are not interested in your soul.
As disgraceful as this is, it’s not personal. The narcissist doesn’t acknowledge their own soul – only their true master the False Self, the egoic psyche driving their very existence, that always wants more, more and then some more.
Every time you beseech a narcissist to care about you or love you, you are metaphorically begging a cat to lay an egg. You are asking for something that doesn’t exist, can’t happen and won’t happen.
The narcissist (who cannot bear any criticism) will react vehemently by invalidating your assertions and telling you how unloving and uncaring you are, and why your actions or even your “self” brings this deserved punishment onto you, crushing your soul even further.
The Truth
As children, absolutely, we were co-dependently attached to parents for their love and care. As adults, if we are clinging to abusive people – “needing” them to love and care for us – this is because we have as yet unhealed co-dependent wounds from our childhood, and we are not taking on the responsibility to care for and love ourselves back to wholeness.
This is the very definition of powerlessness.
Refusing to accept this and come home to our own inner healing and salvation only causes us to break down even further.
Number 4: “I’m going to expose what you have done.”
Giving a narcissist the heads-up that you are going to expose them gets them activated into revenge and persecution mode. If you are feeling traumatised, and believe that exposing this person is necessary for you to feel safe and validated, you are in for a very bad time.
The narcissist will stoop to every degree required to smear you to all and sundry, and even try to annihilate your life with abuse by proxy by using authorities. The more terror you have about persecution and people believing terrible lies about you, the worse you will suffer through this vile episode.
The narcissist is striking first – hard – to completely annihilate your credibility before you can expose them. You simply do not have the arsenal of minions or the total lack of conscience required to go to battle in this way – and of course, the narcissist does.
The Truth
You are in a spiritual battle. Any action you take against the narcissist from a place of internal trauma will backfire horribly, because the narcissist – as the psychic perpetrator that they are – powers up against you by bringing you even more evidence of the triggered wounds within you.
Trying to expose the narcissist while you are traumatised, I promise you, only leads you to be horribly persecuted. I know it’s very likely you have already experienced this!
However, if you do the inner work to calm and settle your own emotions, come home to your true inner source, be without fear, stand in integrity and present the facts – from a place where you have no need for results, and a place of “I’m just walking right action” – you will have powerful success against the narcissist.
Narcissists metaphorically are “vampires”. They can only operate against people in the shadows. When you no longer have any “shadows” (pain and fear) inside of you, then narcissists crumble. They have no bullets to shoot you with, they were only able to operate against you by using your pain and fear against you.
Take that away and they have nothing.
Many Thrivers in our community who are working with the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP) have completely exposed narcissists in this way, and won custody and court battles.
Number 5: I’m sorry and I accept my part in this
The people who are abused by narcissists are generally really good people. Most of us are people who spent a lot of our life looking at our own stuff and have maybe spent years in therapy.
Maybe you went to counselling with the narcissist and then much of the finger pointing happened at you.
Also, it’s really common to have the cognitive dissonance of “If I just change something about me this relationship can work.” Or even, “If I just use Law of Attraction, stay in a great vibration and see this person in their best light, they will become nicer.”
You may hope that by saying “sorry” you are leading by example and the abuser will start being sorry for their behaviour too.
It doesn’t work. You are only handing your power away even more. The narcissist now can continue being narcissistic and hold you responsible for it.
The Truth
The person you need to apologise to is yourself – for continually trying to twist yourself into the shape of a pretzel to stop someone being nasty, lying, cruel and disloyal.
No-one who is toxic ever changes as a result of you trying to be “better” or “nicer”. They will only change (if they ever had the capacity to) by you deciding YOUR truth, sticking to it and never accepting less. “I will only do relationships with people who are kind, honest, wish to engage in real teamwork and take responsibility for their own behaviours and inner growth.”
Number 6: “I’m leaving you.”
If you say you are leaving, a non-narcissistic person may start to look at themselves and reform because they don’t want to lose you – the person who has a soul, who they wish to continue having a life with.
Not so for the narcissist who sees you as a “ticket”, an “object” to mine.
If you, their ship, is going to sail they need to grab the cargo as quickly as possible.
By giving a narcissist the heads-up you’re leaving, you’re giving them the chance to start setting up things in the background to get what they believe they’re entitled to – which is pretty much everything you have.
Money will go missing or be hidden, and they will do all sorts of disgraceful things behind the scenes. Or they may just lash out quickly, and shockingly make a move on the assets. They’ll do things like change the locks, or remove and hide your belongings of value and so much more.
This makes people’s heads reel, and can have them begging the narcissist for mercy.
The Truth
Leaving a narcissist needs to be planned. Don’t tell them you are leaving and secure everything you need before they know.
Set up your own security on the side, so that you can leave with what you want to take, and do diligent inner work to be able to withstand not only the real life backlashes that the narcissist will try desperately to do, but also the emotional impacts that are coming.
Know that in no circumstances does this person want to part amicably, decently or fairly. It’s all about them – they are capable of doing whatever it takes to get what they want.
Number 7: “I’ll always love you and care about you.”
Narcissists are like crocodiles (similar reptilian brains) and like to store carcasses under rocks for a later feed. People are “food” to narcissists, and the best food is people who are hooked into the narcissist through feelings of emotional loss, guilt or obligation.
Narcissists can keep siphoning out care, money and services from family members, even whilst abusing them horrifically.
Friends to a narcissist can be used, abused, discarded and re-connected with, time and time again.
Lovers or ex-spouses can be used for shelter, resources, money and sex and then thrown away again like yesterday’s trash when their usefulness is no longer required. To be picked up again in the future.
The Truth
To be healthy and live a congruent life of love and care must ALWAYS be about loving and caring for ourselves first. As well as establishing healthy boundaries to accept other real people capable of living a wholesome, healthy life.
Then you will no longer offer yourself up as fodder, enabling other people to continue their narcissistic rampages on you.
In Conclusion
I hope this was insightful for you. I hope this can help shift you out of the mindset of “I’m a victim and narcissists are horrible” and into this one – “Narcissist are horrible. Now what responsibility do I need to take to BE the person who is no longer feeding into and participating with what narcissists do?”
My highest suggestion, for how to become the person who is no longer hooked into and susceptible to narcissists, is my Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP).
NARP is a ten-step, highly effective, healing system that clears the feeling of heartbreak, powerlessness, neediness to be loved from another, guilt, obligation, abandonment, persecution and all the other highly triggered emotions that make us susceptible to narcissists.
It is the most successful healing system I (humbly) know of to release, heal and reprogram the reasons why we can’t get up, out and away from narcissistic relationships.
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