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When we doubt ourselves, who is it we are doubting?
I find myself asking (myself) this question at a noisy coffee shop this morning, as I attempt to unravel the self-doubt, which has been paralysing me recently.
Recently, I experienced a series of “failed” job attempts. None of them worked out, for a number of reasons, and it led me to believe that it is time for me to fully commit to working for myself. To offer up my creative gifts to the world.
Ultimately, this process has ramped up a voice of self-doubt in my head. Here is what she sounds like:
“What can you possibly have to offer?”
“You are not whole enough to offer anything to anyone.”
“This will not work out.”
“It is impossible to build a successful business on your own.”
“You don’t look good enough to be successful.”
It is interesting to see them written out in this way. It makes me realise how extreme the voice of self-doubt can be. If that person was standing in front of me, saying these things, I would most certainly curl up into a little ball and start crying. Truthfully, this has been what has happening a lot for me lately.
So, the way I see it, there are a few different ways this voice can be approached:
>> Curl up and cry and let it continue to beat me down.
>> Ignore it. Distract myself from it so I can’t hear it (with exercise, food, connections, experiences, people, and so on).
>> Fight it! Get really strong and angry. Tell it to f*ck. off.
Or:
Approach it as I would a loved one or a client: create space for it. Offer the voice a set time out of the day to have a therapy session where it gets to speak its needs. Get really present with it.
I am going to share this intimate process with you below in the hope that it helps all of us in getting more free—pursuing our dreams and being a positive light in the world.
Self-doubt therapy session
Me: Welcome to the space, self-doubt. I have set a timer for 15 minutes to give you space to share what you feel needs to be heard.
Self-doubt: Really? I’ve never been welcomed like this before…I’m not sure I trust your intentions.
Me: At this stage, I have no negative intentions toward you. I understand you are a part of me and we are a part of each other so there is no way for me to get rid of you—and this would be the only thing you would need to be afraid of. I am ready for us to work together. I’m sorry I haven’t been able to hold space for you before, but now I feel ready. I am here for you.
Self-doubt: Okay. Yes I see what you mean. We are inextricably linked
Me: Yes! Wow I love your use of fancy words.
Self-doubt: Thanks. Yes, I am pretty clever and articulate. I have been built to be harsh. Cut through!
Me: This definitely sounds like something I could use in my life. Have you heard of compassion?
Self-doubt: Obviously, I have heard of this word. I am extremely smart, remember? It doesn’t mean I always need to use it though. Compassion can slow the process down.
Me: I do see what you mean, but I have learned that it is super important for us all to have a little softness. Too much hardness can really hurt and actually destroy people who never felt loved, like me!
Self-doubt: Okay, I see your point. I can meet you halfway with some more compassion up in here.
Me: Cool! Thank you. So, tell me…what is your reason for being here?
Self-doubt: I am here to make sure you get. sh*t. done. Fast, efficiently, in a disciplined and proper way. I don’t do things by halves. I want it all done properly and officially. I want you to be the absolute best, polished version of you.
Me: Woah, that sounds good to me. It sounds like you could really help me get things done “properly” as you say. Though, I also know there is a place for taking risks and experimentation. That is to say, a more feminine, artistic, creative approach where we need to do things imperfectly before we start to clean them up and improve them. A “trial and error” approach. Does that resonate?
Self-doubt: Yes, I have heard of this approach. We can’t be too “creative” and “flow-y” (I know how you like to make words up) though. We need to have a clear plan, for example. We need to identify exactly what we are good at and then create a pathway to discovering how we can help others help themselves in some way. One thing I know is that we cannot “help” anyone. We can just help them help themselves and we show them by being the best possible version of ourselves. We need to practise being that.
Me: I agree. I would like to be the best version of myself. This also takes practice, risk…
Self-Doubt: …and action. We have to st…
Me: I love that we are using “we” now, by the way…
Self-doubt: Yes, me too…we too. So, as I was saying, we have to start doing things which nourish us. We have to take the time to edit and make this article really polished so that we know we are sending off the best version of ourselves in this moment in time.
Me: That makes sense to me. So are you starting to see what we might have to offer when we work together in this way?
Self-doubt: Yes, actually. I am starting to see how this could work if we work together and take a risk. Do we see how focusing on the detail, the planning, the polishing, the researching, and this improvement side of things can compliment the creative, risk-taking, spontaneous, flowing side of us?
Me: Yes. Wow, I don’t know about you, but we are starting feeling integrated.
Self-doubt: Yes, we are.
Me: Our session is coming to a close…do you feel complete?
Self-doubt: Yes, but one more thing…
Me: Yes?
Self-doubt: Do you promise to send this article to Elephant Journal?
Me: Yes. I promise. I will edit it, polish it, and get it sent.
Self-doubt: This has been really nice. Can we do it again?
Me: Of course! And can you see how this doesn’t require a qualification? That there are creative ways to offer useful things to the world?
Self-doubt: Yes, I really do. Thank you. Thank me. Thank us.
Me: Thank us indeed!
Believe it or not, this is the first time I have done this exercise. It was spontaneous, flowing, playful, and it involved a process of openness, faith, and trust. Whether or not this gets published, gets any likes, or reaches a single person out there, something deep inside me knows this has helped to shift something within.
It has allowed me to share my work in a unique way.
It has allowed me to work with, and integrate, parts of myself to all work together and produce something helpful, which will enable me to grow and move forward.
It has allowed me to move out of a victim mode and into a place of empowerment.
It has allowed me to see that self-doubt is a good friend—here to keep me in check.
That sounds good to us!
Peace out, self-doubt.
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