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Treating our partner like a child might sound weird.
Unfortunately, many of us are stuck in this unhealthy dynamic without knowing it.
I’ve been there, so I know how ugly it is to be treated like a child. On rare occasions, I was the parent and I couldn’t unstuck myself from that complicated role.
Whether you’re the “child” partner or the “parent” partner, you may not realize that you’re in a parent/child relationship.
We may have watched our own parents stuck in that dynamic while growing up or we may have unhealed traumas that constantly drive us to be in relationships where we either nag our partner like a parent or act out like a child.
The reasons may vary from person to person, so we can’t exactly tell what drives us to become our partner’s “parents.” What is certain, however, is that a parent/child relationship is doomed.
When we act superior in our relationship, feel that we need to “take care” of our partner, manage their schedule, or give them constant reminders, fun transforms into pressure and pressure slowly transforms into resentment.
How can we bring back the fun into our relationship? We need to pay attention to the demeaning behaviors that make our partner feel like a child or an adolescent. We need to remember that our partner doesn’t need a new parent, but they do need a romantic partner—an equal.
Here are eight warning signs that we may be treating our partner like a child:
1. Changing them is more important than connecting with them. A partner who acts like a parent may be solely focused on the ways they can better their partner so they can meet their standards. Intimacy and connection come second because a “parent” partner thinks that the priority is to bring out the best in the other and create a new version of them that is less “annoying.”
2. Getting irritated over little things. It’s normal to get annoyed or angry at our partners every now and then, but a “parent” partner may get annoyed frequently. They get irritated if their partner forgets to do something or doesn’t complete a task. It feels like they’re mad at them because they did something “wrong,” but the truth is “parent” partners just feel the need to be constantly right.
3. Arguing frequently. Small arguments are common in relationships (and they’re usually short-lived). However, arguments in a parent/child relationship are recurrent and alarming. When we use a parental tone with our partner or talk down to them, we demean their thoughts and feelings, which might naturally make them flip.
4. Thinking you know better. If you underestimate the competence of your partner, you may be a “parent” partner. When we believe our way is better, it means our partner’s way is wrong. Examples include disagreeing with their decisions or correcting their “unacceptable” behavior. We may even tell them what and what not to do or say.
5. Feeling they’re pushing us away. If we feel that our partner is constantly pushing us away, we need to check in with ourselves to see if we’re the ones pushing them away. When you’re being treated like a child, sticking around might be hard.
6. Shielding them from the aftermath of their actions. We all make mistakes because, well, no one is perfect. Sadly, a “parent” partner might not accept imperfection and will try their best to shield their partner from consequences. When we do that, we deny our partners the opportunity to learn and grow.
7. Focusing on their flaws. Those who treat their partners like children tend to focus on the negative qualities and make sure to frequently point them out. A child-partner might feel incompetent or guilty for not being enough. They might also feel restricted in the relationship and incapable of being themselves.
8. Correcting or criticizing them. Constant criticism in a relationship leads to a lack of communication and occasional bouts of defensiveness. “Parent” partners may feel the need to give negative or judgmental comments whenever they feel upset. Overtime, couples may grow apart and their relationship may come to an end.
~
author: Elyane Youssef
Image: RDNE Stock project/Pexels
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