Stonewalling in relationships

The definition of stonewalling is, according to Google Dictionary, behaviour intended "to delay or obstruct (a request, process, or person) by refusing to answer questions or by being evasive." The term has become widely used and is even used in cricket to describe extremely defensive batting.

Stonewalling is so harmful to relationships that well-known relationship therapist and researcher, John Gottman, MD, identified it as one of the 'Four Horsemen of the (relational) Apocalypse.' The other three are criticism, defensiveness, and contempt.

The same applies to work relationships, where blame replaces criticism as one of the Horsemen. However, no winners can emerge from this type of battle if stonewalling, or any of the other three Horsemen are left unaddressed.

Typical Stonewalling Behaviour

A person in any situation can stonewall in the following ways:

Keeps quiet when addressed, remains unresponsive despite inquiries, or

Replies with terse, single-word responses

'Tunes out,' pretends not to hear or listen

Turns or walks away from the speaker when addressed; pretends the other person is invisible or not present

Acts busy, always on the move, or too occupied to engage in conversation

Engages in obsessive behaviour

When criticized, even in peaceful conversation, changes the topic midway to something unrelated, or

Changes the topic to the speaker's perceived shortcomings or faults

Source: pexels.com

Why Do Some People Need to Stonewall in Relationships?

When a person stonewalls, the assumption is often made that he or she is angry, rude, irresponsible, childish, or simply disinterested in relating to others or the world. These might be true for some, but this type of defensive behaviour is often nuanced and multi-faceted. Research has shown that men are more likely to stonewall in relationships than women, simply because emotional detachment is more characteristic of the male gender. The reasons for stonewalling may be various and often not nefarious at all:

Défense Against Overwhelm

Remember the book Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus? The author explained that men sometimes need to spend time alone in a figurative cave.

Stonewalling is, therefore, a coping mechanism and his way of disappearing into his metaphorical 'man cave.' This space offers him much-needed inner (and sometimes outer) solitude to deal with crises that overwhelm emotionally. Unable to express or differently process how he feels, he prefers to simply 'vanish' emotionally from relationships. While solitude is often good, prolonged stonewalling is not a good relationship strategy. It can lead to, or even signifies emotional suppression.

Women are not exempt from stonewalling behaviour due to overwhelming, but it is more likely to be due to shyness, or an inability to express themselves due to disability. The female gender is more able to communicate their feelings easily and readily.

Emotional Suppression

When a person defers too easily to stonewalling as a coping mechanism, it amounts to denying emotions the gentle space they deserve. They just need to be felt. Suppressed feelings tend to behave like vampires - unless one can confront the beast and drive a stake through its heart, it is likely to rise again from the grave of suppression, usually more dangerous than before. The link between depression, physical illness, and emotional dysregulation is a solid one.

Source: pixabay.com

Aggressive Manipulation

This is the most toxic motive behind stonewalling in relationships of any kind. In its more innocent form, it is an avoidance technique implemented in order not to deal with problems or situations, but the aggressive stonewaller favours her or his preferences in the relationship and uses stonewalling behaviour to have his or her way. These traits, in themselves, are detrimental, selfish and immature - not good for relating. This type of stonewalling is often abusive, or borders on such.

If one of the spouses persists with stonewalling, despite all efforts of their partner to draw him or her out, it could be that the stonewaller has something to hide. Perhaps an extra-marital affair? A crime? Then the withdrawal from the relationship is probably because he or she wants out.

In extreme cases, the reason behind manipulating others in this manner may be a disorder such as borderline personality disorder, narcissism, sociopathy, etc.

Other factors suggest manipulative stonewalling, such as when a person persists in denying, despite evidence to the contrary, that their stonewalling is:

Abusive;

Belittling to others

Invalidating of others' observations and feelings

Rationalizing abuse

Relationships are a two-way street. If one person persistently withdraws from the relationship, it cannot survive.

How Does Stonewalling Affect Relationships?

When a person stonewalls, he or she displays the need to disengage. This psychological removal from relationships and situations can result in dire fallout for everyone in marriages and workplaces.

Source: unsplash.com

In Marriages and Families

If left unaddressed, stonewalling is likely to cause severe marital distress, conflict, and disruption. Studies have convincingly linked these upheavals in marriages to depression, poor social competence, withdrawal, health problems and poor academic performance in children. In women, these types of upheaval are proven to cause illness, and in men, they tend to cause loneliness. The destabilizing effect of divorce, a likely outcome of severe and persistent stonewalling, needs no elaboration.

In the Workplace

Stonewalling can have the same catastrophic effect on relationships at work, which will eventually affect work performance. Strained relationships can result in loss of personnel, with financial losses for the employer. If the stonewaller is in a managerial position, this behaviour is likely to poison everyone who works under him or her. It is a truly disempowering way to conduct relationships.

How to Deal with a Partner's Stonewalling

First, give your partner the benefit of the doubt - you are probably not the problem. He may feel overwhelmed by a crisis he's unable to discuss with you. Stop trying to engage him, especially if this is uncharacteristic behaviour. Perhaps he does just need some time in his 'man cave.' Your compassionate reassurance of availability whenever he feels ready to discuss the reason for his behaviour may just open a door between you and may even strengthen your relationship.

Check your behaviour. Is it encouraging when your partner engages? Sometimes stonewalling can be a response to perceived aggression and hostility.

If you have made every effort to address a problem by attempting to talk about it, but your partner still stonewalls you - stop. Things are likely to escalate, and you need to take care of yourself. You are likely to feel infuriated by your partner's behaviour and consumed by difficult emotions. To deal with these, Gottman suggests the practice of physiological self-soothing. This involves taking time out to calm your agitated feelings, and to give your partner the space to adjust their behaviour. Gottman also suggests, however, to avoid stewing in thoughts of righteous indignation ("I don't have to take this!") or playing the victim ("Why is he/she always doing this to me?"). You're making things worse for yourself. Look for distractions and keep yourself busy with a hobby, soothing music, watching a good movie, taking a walk, etc.

Don't cling to a distress-inducing mindset when your partner makes an effort to adjust their behaviour. All relationships are visited by the Four Apocalyptic Horsemen (criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling) from time to time. Solid relationships are built when partners find ways to deal with each Horseman constructively.

If his or her stonewalling behaviour persists over a long period, and you increasingly feel abused and neglected, it is perhaps time to see a counsellor or therapist. Ideally, your partner should join you. If there is no interest to work on the relationship at all, perhaps be open for the hardest advice from the therapist - divorce.

What to Do When You're the Stonewaller

Your stonewalling behaviour is likely to have the following effect on those at the receiving end:

Leave them with feelings of abandonment. This can be a devastating emotion to deal with, especially for a spouse, and the effect will show in the relationship. Marriage is a transactional agreement to partner with someone, and your disengagement demonstrates that you're no longer available for, or interested in the partnership, no matter what your true motivations are.

If you're stonewalling in the workplace, your colleagues will probably feel that you're punishing them for undisclosed errors or misconduct. This could affect their confidence levels, and eventually their work performance. Unless you have sadistic tendencies, don't expect positive outcomes from shutting co-workers off.

Feelings of helplessness. A person who persistently stonewalls removes the oxygen from relationships. This is likely to make others feel very helpless, even incompetent.

Defensive behaviour. Whoever is being stonewalled is likely to progress to secondary feelings of fear, anger, and aggression to engage you again. His or her internal response will probably be: "She doesn't care" or "He doesn't love me anymore." This could give rise to increasingly desperate attempts to break through to you with escalating aggression.

If your partner 'miraculously leaves you alone,' it could be a sign that he or she has had enough and is planning an exit. Red flags should jump up for you.

If you're able to recognize this behaviour in yourself, then you deserve congratulations. It speaks of emotional maturity. Truly accepting that one needs to change for the sake of better relationships is one of the hardest psychological milestones to achieve.

Furthermore, fully understanding how your stonewalling is affecting others could go a long way towards building your empathy muscles. It can also help to prompt change and the discovery of different relationship strategies.

Engage to the best of your ability, and express your desire to engage. If this is very difficult for you and your partner, consider couples' therapy, personal counselling, or a workshop on inner healing. Learning how to face and deal with difficult emotions will be a hard but rewarding journey to embark on. You will not be sorry.

Therapy for Stonewalling Behaviour

Not all negativity in relationships is equally corrosive. Defensiveness, stonewalling, contempt, blame, and criticism are the worst ones and need the most urgent attention if a relationship is to be saved. However, when these manifest, it need not be a sign of a pending relationship apocalypse. All types of behaviour are modifiable with effort and self-regulation.