What Would You Like NOT to Remember?

 If you could erase certain past experiences, would you?

If we could truly erase our past pains. What would we be left with? It might be easy to think we’d be happier, more present, maybe even feel more acceptable or polished. And maybe we would be externally. But who would we be inside?

Whenever I take on this thought experiment, and I often do as we approach Rosh Hashanah, I am reminded of that sweet—albeit incredibly silly—Drew Barrymore and Adam Sandler rom-com, 50 First Dates. If you haven’t seen it, the story revolves around Adam Sandler’s womanizing character Henry falling in love with Drew Barrymore’s Susie, a woman who has short-term memory loss. Because of a car accident, she wakes every morning with her mind wiped completely clean. She doesn’t remember her painful experiences, but she also has no recollection of this new person who loves her deeply.

In an attempt to help assimilate to a life that includes someone new, she learns everyday about where she came from, why she doesn’t remember anything prior to the morning, and each day grieves in the exact same way, as though for the very first time.

Now, we aren’t dealing with anything like this, but we often put ourselves through something very similar. When we don’t deal with our past or, conversely, overly identify with it we are unable to grow and evolve. We’re stuck in our own loop, either repressing something that we deem too painful to face or letting that pain calcify into victimhood and resentment. Coming to terms with our past means accepting it, forgiving it, and moving forward with wisdom we’ve gained.

Because, without our past experiences and everything that brought us to the very moment that we are in now, we would be only a less authentic version of ourselves. Our struggles, mistakes, and tough times are integral to our personal evolution and without them we cannot become who we’re meant to be. This is anything but easy or comfortable but taking a gentle yet realistic inventory of our past can be one of the most healing and transformative things we do for ourselves.

Start with Curiosity

When we look back on our difficulties with curiosity rather than condemnation, we unlock the opportunity for profound growth and a lot more self-love. Each mistake and setback carries a lesson. By examining where we went astray and understanding how we can approach things differently in the future, we open ourselves to a process of refinement and integration. Suddenly, our mistake isn’t just a terrible thing that haunts us, it’s a source of power. Instead of beating ourselves up over every wrong thing we’ve ever done, we can collect these missteps and utilize them as the tools they are: learning experiences that can become gifts of wisdom, empathy, and compassion.

Drop Regret Right Here

Regret can be a powerful force, often consuming more of our time and energy than we’d like to admit. When we dwell on what might have been or fixate on our past errors, we risk missing out on the richness of the present. The stories we tell ourselves about our past can either empower us or hinder us. If we cling to self-defeating narratives, we might find ourselves living those same stories over and over again, trapped in a cycle of regret and repetition. When we confront our past with an open heart, we give ourselves the chance to rewrite our story. It’s about finding balance between honoring our experiences and actively choosing not to let them overshadow our present or dictate our future.

There is also a false belief around the path not chosen. When we regret it sounds something like, “if only I’d chosen X instead of Y” but the unchosen path might have been equally bad if not worse!

While You’re at it, Toss Dissonance Too

Cognitive dissonance, as defined by Merriam Webster, is the psychological conflict resulting from incongruous beliefs and attitudes held simultaneously. If we don’t believe that we are inherently lovable, we may push away someone who deeply loves us while simultaneously wishing for loving partnership. If we don’t believe we’re capable of success, we’ll sabotage every opportunity while praying that we could just get one break. The rub is, these beliefs were created unconsciously to keep us safe from pain and, for most of us, we can pinpoint the exact painful experience that bore them. When we take on the challenge of facing these pains and rewriting these beliefs, our dissonance can finally be reconciled and our desires can finally reach us.

It is normal to feel the pangs of hurt when looking back at our past. Everyone has a memory they wish would vanish and every person alive can name at least one experience they wish they’d never had. But think about how you feel when you listen to a friend or loved one recount a painful memory. You’re not cringing or judging or criticizing. You’re listening with understanding and an objective view that allows you to see the human within it all, just doing their best. You are that human, too.

So, next time you find yourself wishing for a redo, remember that your past, with all its pain and challenges, has contributed to the person you are today. Look at everything that surrounds you, all that you have experienced and created. And then make a list of all of the things you still want to do, knowing that you have everything you need to get you there—you just might need to take some time to turn an insecurity or a fear into a new asset of strength or resilience.

By doing so, you’ll be more equipped to enjoy the present and shape a future that reflects the highest version of yourself. It is your life’s very purpose.