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I wish these were uncommon beliefs, but unfortunately, they are not.
They are beliefs that appear to be ingrained in us. They are beliefs we convince ourselves of time and time again, mostly to the detriment of ourselves.
As women, we have this false idea that we are “project managers.” We so often see the potential, rather than what’s standing in front of us. Like a blank canvas that we can artfully create into a masterpiece. We are often reminded time and time again of the reality, yet we continually ignore that reality and instead envision, with our rose-tinted glasses—of course—an alternate reality, one in which things are the way we want them to be.
When people show you who they are, pay attention, because that’s exactly who they are. People change because they want to, of their own accord; we can’t change them.
You. Can’t. Change. Him.
Men, on the other hand, have a false belief that their partner will never leave. Perhaps a throwback from when women rarely left, because quite frankly, it was far too difficult for them to leave. A time when men became comfortable in the status quo and the security that whatever happened in their relationship would not result with them being alone. Those times are gone and yet we still so often hear men say “it came out of the blue,” “I had no idea she was unhappy,” “it’s such a shock,” when their partner does indeed leave.
The truth is, it’s rarely out of the blue and more often than not, she has been telling you for a long time, but you chose not to listen. The signs were there; you chose not to see them.
She. Will. Leave.
Some women have an unhealthy attraction to what we know as “bad boys;” you know, the unruly, hard-to-hold-down boys, who tend to break hearts and leave a trail of destruction in their wake. Perhaps a side effect of being told as little girls that when he treats you poorly, he likes you. We learn that any attention is good attention. We imagine being the one who changes him. Encourages him to settle down. If we just do enough to prove our love, he will choose us and let us mould him into the man we want him to be. It’s a lie. We can’t change him, nor should we want to. We need to clearly see the man who stands in front of us and understand any change and growth is completely up to him.
You. Can’t. Change. Him.
Some men get so comfortable, they have no reason to change. Don’t believe there’s any need to change. Have a closed view that this is who they are, so everyone must accept that. Years go by, communication dwindles. Intimacy decreases. Important things are left unsaid. Unimportant things become an issue. Women emotionally disconnect. Men become frustrated that their physical needs are not being met. Resentment sets in. Love is changing. She grows away. He refuses to acknowledge the distance is serious. They become housemates at best. And still, when she leaves, it’s a surprise. Him never realising she emotionally left years before. Her finally realising she can no longer grow in an environment that’s not watering her.
She. Will. Leave.
Then the lights come on for some men. He offers to go to counselling. He expresses his ability to change. He starts talking about ways to grow. If only he had known what she wanted. If only she had told him. Some women choose to stay. They buy into the hope. And for a while, it improves. For a while, she is watered. She feels more nourished. Then, for many, ever so slowly, it changes back. Him certain he has done enough to keep her. Her trapped in an inner battle of self-worth, self-belief, and self-trust. Round and round they go. A relationship never destined to truly fulfil either one of them because the harsh truth is she, in no way, can change him, and he, in no way, can fully trust she won’t walk out the door again.
I have witnessed this time and time again, in both my personal and professional life. I see women everyday at war with themselves. Tolerating far more than they should because of some toxic idea they need to be with someone, anyone. That their worth is dependent on having a partner. Thinking that they just need to do more and be more. That having no boundaries will somehow change a man. The f*cked up thing is it can change a man, just not the way you think. He will learn to treat you with the same level of disrespect and lack of love you show yourself. You can’t change him. What you can do is work on yourself, change, and grow so you attract better partners.
I wish everyone had therapy before they committed to a relationship. To work through their attachment styles, their belief systems, and resolve any unresolved childhood stuff. I understand as we continue to grow individually and as a couple, things are triggered in us and the work is always ongoing, but early work would be so helpful to change some of the conditioning we have been raised with. It could support women to not believe they are fixers and that they can change men, therefore finding themselves unconsciously searching for projects. And it could support men in becoming more active listeners and develop the awareness of the unsaid words. To always work on themselves and the relationship because women will leave, and if they do, it should never be a surprise.
A note to women:
If you don’t like everything you see in a potential partner, walk away. He’s not an art project you can paint over for a better grade. If he’s been a player, don’t assume you are the one who has tamed him. You may tame him for a while, but the truth is, players get bored easily and need constant validation, hence the reason they play, and if he hasn’t resolved the reason he behaves like this, it’s only a matter of time before he’s playing again, openly or secretly. The parts you don’t like cannot simply be erased because you don’t like them. You can point out the behaviours you don’t like as a boundary, but if he chooses to ignore you, save yourself the pain and walk away.
If things change throughout the relationship that you don’t like, express those concerns, and again, if he chooses to ignore them, you make the choice to tolerate that behaviour or walk away. He’s never going to change whilst you stay there enabling him. I know there’s probably a lot invested and it’s never simple to walk away, but if he is unwilling to compromise and the environment you live in is a roller coaster at best or miserable at worst, you are destroying your own peace. Not to mention if there’s simmering trust issues.
You. Can’t. Change. Him.
A note to men:
She isn’t part of the furniture, and if you see her like that, there will come a time she will walk away. If she’s trying to express her feelings and emotions, it’s not nagging, it’s communication, but can turn to what feels like nagging, when she continually feels unseen, unheard, and invalidated. If you discard her needs like trash, don’t be surprised if one day she permanently discards herself from your life.
Thinking that once you’re in a committed relationship, you can slip into comfort and contribute the bare minimum to the mental load of a relationship and family will see you on a slippery slope to relationship breakdown. Your fantasy belief that she’s too attached to change her life will leave you spiralling in regrets.
She. Will. Leave.
I used to be that woman, the one who believed she could fix and change him. The one who stayed in places longer than I should have, hoping it would change. The woman, who for a really long time, was terrified to leave. Who was scared to be alone. The one who didn’t want to break up her family. The woman who loved him but that love was no longer enough. The woman who was dying inside and no longer had a f*cking clue who she was. I used to be her. I know her well. She was lost. She was disconnected. She believed she was not enough. She was a mere version of herself, and she sat there for the longest time, not moving. Not growing.
And then one day I left. And that day was the catalyst of change and growth. The day I started the journey to rediscover who I am.
I am no longer a project manager and only accept self-driven, open. and aware works-in-progress. I will not tolerate less than I deserve. I know I can’t change him, but I can absolutely leave. It’s an incredibly freeing place to be.
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