The Holiday Season as we know it is kicked off by Thanksgiving and leads us all the way through the New Year. It is a two-month stretch of time that is always marketed as “the happiest time of the year!” On the surface, what’s not to like, right? Nostalgic images are everywhere, elaborate dinners with friends and family abound, gifts are given and received, and the cold, crisp weather has us curling up in front of fireplaces and wrapping ourselves in cozy scarves. Yet, like so many things, fantasy doesn’t always match reality.
Well, hello holiday blues!
It’s no wonder that the expectation of holiday cheer leaves so many feeling depressed or stressed, or both. And the reasons are myriad, but our first clue lies in that one word: expectation.
To start, let’s focus on our expectations of ourselves. After all, that’s the only area we can control.
This part works best with visualization. Imagine a family or friend holiday gathering you have coming up. Picture the people there, what they are doing, and what you are doing. What are you talking about? How is the food? How do you feel?
First, there are no right or wrong answers, but you probably visualized amazing food, happy conversations, and everyone being joyful and full of holiday cheer. Ta-da! These are your holiday expectations! So, when something doesn’t go the way you imagined—which inevitably will happen, holiday or no holiday—you are set up for disappointment. The answer isn’t to expect to have a bad time, but instead to be realistic and ready to accept that a few things will go off script. Approaching the holidays with flexibility will help you not only to avert disappointment but also to stay open to unexpected experiences of whimsy.
Whimsy is, after all, one of many things we love about holidays, and yet, stress still often becomes a headline.
A holiday stress survey conducted in 2018 surveyed 1,166 people aged 25 to 60, of which 76 percent were female. Nearly 70% of the respondents reported that they experience holiday stress because they are overly committed to making the holiday special and enjoyable for everyone else.
Let that sink in.
I think it resonates with many people. Especially when we are attached to our vision of how the day should go and ultimately, it comes down to control. While many of us work to create a memorable, even picture-perfect holiday, there are a lot of aspects of that goal that are simply out of our hands. Some people may not be able to attend, others may show up in a less-than-cheerful mood, and it’s not uncommon for the occasional awkward moment or argument to ensue. You can’t force people to be anything—cheerful, kind, considerate, respectful, or even good cooks.
But isn’t that what the vision of a magical and enjoyable holiday demands?
We can see the impossibility of it all. What’s really most surprising to me is that ONLY 70% of people said they were stressed out about the holidays. That means 30% of those polled have figured something out…
So back to you, how do you maintain your cheerful and holiday-appropriate attitude of gratitude when everyone around you refuses to get with the program and be suitably festive and cheerful?
First, decide that the way you feel isn’t dependent upon anyone else’s enjoyment. So, if someone doesn’t like your cranberry tart, who cares? (They’re wrong, of course, it’s delicious!) Often easier said than done, especially if you find yourself central to a maelstrom of emotions that you can’t help but feel are somehow your responsibility.
When people aren’t happy, it can feel personal. After all, you put in a lot of effort, and all they had to do was show up and enjoy it! In moments when you feel your mood start to slide from merry and bright, give yourself a mental shortcut, something you can think of or repeat to yourself. Something like, I’m exactly where I want to be, doing exactly what I want to do. And if that isn’t true, make it true. You should have a special day independent of other people’s choices.
What makes holiday gatherings meaningful to you, personally? What are the individual elements that make the celebration special?
It’s less about “good food” or even “good conversation.” While Great-grandma Johanna’s stuffing recipe may be a cherished family tradition, it’s probably the making of it that is the most fulfilling. The most memorable holiday moment might happen in the kitchen the night before, where you teach Johanna’s great-great-granddaughter how to make that stuffing. When we can focus more on creating space for meaningful moments, we make ourselves present to something greater than an idea we have about how something should go. We become curious and present. Two things that are required for any magical moment.
Identify the parts that are the most special to you, and put your energy there. Table settings, fourteen different kinds of pie, and refereeing family disputes can be somebody else’s job. And honestly, the rest will be just fine.
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