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Most of us have probably come across
the universal wisdom that the people who irritate us the most are
expressing qualities that we ourselves have. This is why family members
can be so vexing — we see ourselves in them, and vice versa. This isn’t
always true, of course, but when it is, it’s a real opportunity for
growth if we can acknowledge it. It is infinitely easier to change
ourselves than it is to try to change another person, which is never a
good idea. For example, if we have a coworker who engages in some kind of
negative behavior, like complaining or trying to control everything, we
can look and see if we ourselves carry those traits.
We may have to look to other situations
in our lives to see it because we behave differently in different
environments. Perhaps we don’t complain at work because our coworker
overdoes it. But maybe we do it with our friends. Maybe we aren’t
controlling at the office, but we’re used to being in control at home.
This is why we feel so irritated not to be in control at work. Even if we
look and find that we are not engaging in the same behavior that we see
as negative in others, we can still learn from what we are seeing in this
person. The truth is, human nature is universal, and we share many of the
same tendencies. What we see in others can always help us to understand
ourselves more deeply.
Having the ability to see something in
another person and automatically bring this observation back to ourselves
is like having a built-in system of checks and balances. It enables us to
be continually engaged in self-exploration and behavior change. When we
see behavior we don’t like, we can make a concerted effort to weed it out
of ourselves, and when we see behavior we do like, we can let it inspire
us to engage in imitation. Through this process, we read our environment
and let it influence us to bring out the best in ourselves.
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