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It was bitterly cold, and my neighbor called as I was getting ready to walk to the gym.
“I’m about to run some errands. Is there anywhere you need to go?” she asked.
I can’t drive because of a vision impairment. So, it was incredibly thoughtful of her to think of me and how hard it would be to walk to the grocery store during the upcoming “snowpocalypse.”
“Thanks so much, but I stocked up on food a couple days ago. I’m good! Besides, I’m headed to the gym.”
“I’ll drive you. It’s on my way,” she said, leaving no room for argument.
As we pulled up to the gym a few minutes later, she offered to pick me up after my class. I declined, telling her I had snow pants and boots in my bag. I’d be fine.
“Ashley, it’s not a problem. I can pick you up.”
Before I could refuse again, a thought popped unbidden into my mind:
How dare you!
Slicing through the don’t be a burden, don’t ask for help, you should be grateful to have friends, don’t be the weird disabled girl thoughts that usually linger just beneath the surface, that louder, clearer, and, frankly, more helpful thought roared at me.
How dare you presume to know what is best for her. She is a smart, strong woman capable of making her own decisions, and hers is to pick you up in an hour. Let her.
Properly chastised, I accepted and gratefully hopped into her toasty warm SUV after yoga.
You are Not a Burden
A few days later, I recounted my “aha” moment to another friend, and she made a comment that stuck: “Your friend literally signed up to be burdened by you. That’s what they signed up for. It’s part of the bargain.”
I know for me, the people I choose to be in relationship with matter. Their happiness matters. Their well-being matters. I want to help, support, do favors for, get in the trenches with, and do life and business alongside them, with our efforts intertwined.
Why in the world would it be any different for the people who have chosen me?
Yet, so many of us are plagued by the mental directive: do not be a burden. That thought crops up in so many unnecessary situations. But needing help is not a burden. Sharing the load, talking about what’s going on in your life, or taking up space is not a burden.
Sure, constantly dumping your baggage on someone while refusing to take personal responsibility or reciprocating probably is, but being a human living in this world and leaning on your tribe is not. It’s how we were meant to live.
It’s time to remember that and revamp some of our good ol’ American ideals.
Pathological Independence
When my vision declined to the point that I had to stop driving, I was terrified. As an American, my mind has been programmed by this deeply individualistic culture, and I fiercely value my independence.
But too much of a good thing isn’t necessarily good.
It can become pathological, meaning it causes harm to you or others.
Pathological independence harms us by robbing us of community and connection. It fosters isolation and superficial interaction. We end up unnecessarily stressed by trying to go it alone or heaping on undeserved guilt when we do ask for help. Ultimately, it leaves us feeling lonely and overwhelmed by the demands of life.
We feel like a burden.
But pathological independence harms others, too.
At the risk of painting myself in a pretty poor light, I am reminded of an incident several years ago. As I walked into my downtown apartment building, I saw a man lying on the sidewalk, seemingly passed out. I briefly debated what to do, then walked right past him into the building. I stopped in the front office and told the manager, and she said someone had already called 911. I headed up to my apartment, shame-faced.
How could I not immediately drop what I was doing to make sure he was okay? Clearly, he wasn’t. What kind of person just walks past?
A pathologically independent one. One who thinks we are each responsible for ourselves, and that it’s not our job to take care of our fellow humans. That we do not have any obligation to the welfare of our species.
I am all for “not my circus, not my monkeys.” But that applies to not taking on responsibility that isn’t yours or getting swept up in unnecessary drama. That’s not good advice when it leads you to be a bad human.
I was not as compassionate back then as I am now, and I hope to goodness that today I would stop. That I would be a helper.
Unintentional Selfishness
Pathological independence also leads us to consider our own wants and needs, often at the expense of others. As our world becomes increasingly interconnected, we can’t afford to do that anymore. We need to consider the greater good. We need to think about the impact our “I’ll get mine” attitude has on others.
We need to embrace interdependence.
I find myself often looking for the Goldilocks zone these days, the middle ground between two extremes. The options are not be fiercely independent or be a burden. There is so much gray in between.
Interdependent means recognizing that our wants and needs are intermingled. That our well-being depends on that of others. That our goals can be reached or exceeded when we work together. That our success can be amplified when we partner with others.
That the whole is greater than the sum of its parts.
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